Monday, 1 June 2015

Feeling Crappy

Recently, I have been going through '''my negative time.'' I say it like this because i experience it in the same way each time and everyone's experience of negativity is different. 

I don't think I've shared much about this here, so thought i would try doing so now.

Every once in a while, i feel more frustrated than usual with my swallowing problem and everything relating to it. I'll get thoughts such as, ''I am so over feeling something in my throat and having to clear my throat all the time,'' .. ''Australia is a crappy country that can't meet my simple requests,'' .. I can't believe the granules of Milo make me half choke,'' .. and the thoughts go on and on.

I'll feel fed up with everything i drink and i'll think, ''Here we go again,'' .. ''This tastes like crap,'' .. ''I feel like vomiting,'' .. etc. It gets to the point where i only drink because i ''have to.'' 

I'll lose interest in everything. Whether it be going out somewhere, talking to loved ones, watching you-tube videos.. I'll even get frustrated with my pet dog, who i love deeply.

I'll just laze around, feeling negative about everything. I'll remember my life as it used to be and will think about how it's been since my swallowing problem. It's hard enough to think about, let alone write about here but i'm sure there will be a time when I'll feel like i can and when that time comes, i'll share it with you guys.

At night,  I'll feel anxious and will have thoughts like, ''Will i ever be able to eat again?'' .. ''Will i ever be able to start my life? .. ''I want to help myself but i don't know how,'' ..''Why won't anyone help me?'' and many other thoughts. 

I don't just struggle mentally during this time. I'll also feel crappy physically and i'll usually convince myself, and others, that i need to be in hospital. 

It's hard to do this experience any justice through trying to write about it but i really hope you get something out of reading this. 

There are probably things i have missed too but at least i have a record of what i'm experiencing right at this moment. 

For those of you who have a swallowing problem, do you experience anything like i have mentioned here? If you feel comfortable sharing, i'd like to hear from you.

Thank you to those who have contacted me. It sucks that we go through this but it's good that we have each other.  

Until next time,
Keep fighting - I will too.
~Karly. xo  

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