Tuesday, 21 October 2014

My Thoughts Recently

Have you gotten in-patient therapy for your swallowing disorder?
I am considering bringing the topic up when i see my speech therapist tomorrow. 

I am scared about the fact that i cannot eat at all at the moment but i am also equally as scared about being in hospital. 

Although, in my mind, i always envision being in hospital..
Surrounded by nurses/doctors and other patients who are going through the same thing. 
I try to think of the benefits - like having professionals to help me whenever i need them and being able to talk to people who truly know what i'm going through.

*Well in my mind it goes this way but in reality, i keep getting turned away.*  

I think my biggest fear are the words ''feeding tube,'' 
I can't even cope with an endoscopy and get severe throat pain from it.. so how would i cope with a nasal feeding tube? 
Well i know there are other options too..

I have fears about everything.
I think this is because i still cannot fully accept or believe what is happening to me and therefore it's like i'm dreaming when i think of the things doctors may have to do to step in to help my well-being. 

I try to think though - that i have gone 2 years living off little food, especially again lately. I feel so empty, weak and sick. I also fear that other muscles of mine must be getting affected now as i don't feel right in other ways too.

What if a feeding tube could help all that?
In my mind, i see myself having a feeding tube until the cause of my swallowing problem is found and i even see it as still being there during treatment. 
It could be a safety net, in-case i still need it. 
I know that having to use my mouth and throat muscles more again one day, will be the hardest thing i'll ever have to face.. 

In what i envision/day dream or whatever you want to call it, I am strong and face my fears but i'm not so sure that'll be the case in reality. 

I am open to your thoughts, especially if you've had any experience with in-patient therapy. 
I thank you all in advance for your support. I have some amazing online friends.

I'll keep you as updated as i can throughout my tougher times. 

Love and strength to you all. 
-Karly. x

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