I am considering bringing the topic up when i see my speech therapist tomorrow.
I am scared about the fact that i cannot eat at all at the moment but i am also equally as scared about being in hospital.
Although, in my mind, i always envision being in hospital..
Surrounded by nurses/doctors and other patients who are going through the same thing.
I try to think of the benefits - like having professionals to help me whenever i need them and being able to talk to people who truly know what i'm going through.
*Well in my mind it goes this way but in reality, i keep getting turned away.*
I think my biggest fear are the words ''feeding tube,''
I can't even cope with an endoscopy and get severe throat pain from it.. so how would i cope with a nasal feeding tube?
Well i know there are other options too..
I have fears about everything.
I think this is because i still cannot fully accept or believe what is happening to me and therefore it's like i'm dreaming when i think of the things doctors may have to do to step in to help my well-being.
I try to think though - that i have gone 2 years living off little food, especially again lately. I feel so empty, weak and sick. I also fear that other muscles of mine must be getting affected now as i don't feel right in other ways too.
What if a feeding tube could help all that?
In my mind, i see myself having a feeding tube until the cause of my swallowing problem is found and i even see it as still being there during treatment.
It could be a safety net, in-case i still need it.
I know that having to use my mouth and throat muscles more again one day, will be the hardest thing i'll ever have to face..
In what i envision/day dream or whatever you want to call it, I am strong and face my fears but i'm not so sure that'll be the case in reality.
I am open to your thoughts, especially if you've had any experience with in-patient therapy.
I thank you all in advance for your support. I have some amazing online friends.
I'll keep you as updated as i can throughout my tougher times.
Love and strength to you all.