Lately, I'm going through one of my phases, where I feel on edge. It's where I can either end up panicking or having a break down of some sort, or even a mixture of both. For a bit, I won't know which way it'll go, that's where I'm at right now, hence my calling it ''on edge.''
I don't find consuming liquids a desirable thing to do but I do it because It's the only way I can try and keep myself stable. I am sick of the familiar tastes, I can't drink in front of others and there's several ''rituals'' I have to do before, during and after drinking, to make the process more comfortable and safe for me to do. It's a boring, exhausting and depressing pattern to my everyday.
I'm 2yrs and a bit into my dysphagia and I still find food smells desirable. There was a time where I was kind of ''switched off'' from everything food related but lately it's really getting to me again. When I've tried to eat things, I love the taste but the food always gets stuck as soon as I've swallowed and some of it stays behind in my mouth too. There's a lot to it and it's torture.
No matter how much I ''psych myself up'' before trying something, the food gets stuck. It's all really hard to deal with at the time. Even just to think about it is tough. That's why food smells are hard for me to deal with as I make that connection, to everything that will happen to me if I started eating something, both physically and mentally.
The hardest part, is that those who are supposed to be closest to me, don't know about this and all the other things I go through with dysphagia. No one believes in me when I say I'm in a serious way physically, so how can I confide in these people about things like I've just told you guys about? It's very disheartening and almost worse than anything else.
I hope this gives you more of an insight as to what I go through, whether you have dysphagia or not, feel free to ask me further questions and etc. I'm more than happy to open up more to you guys.
Love Karly xo